It may have been a dream. I can’t remember now. All that matters was my vision quest to find a bathroom. I’d been slamming flat whites into my bladder all morning. The caffeine shook my bowels like a city on a fault line. Was there going to be an earthquake in my pants?

Do you remember when we met at Auckland Airport? You said that you can always rely on Good Joe. I trusted you, Joe. You were hanging out at Best Ugly Bagels. I was wearing a cowboy hat and I gave you my name and all the pennies in my pocket. Joe, why did you want to drown me in milk? Did you think that would disguise the bitter taste of your bean juice?

Me and my girlfriend had been driving the backroads since early in the AM and we hadn’t packed any snacks. No sandwiches. No chips. No nothing. Just pure hunger driving us across the country. We finally stopped in Te Awamutu. My girlfriend wanted a Strawberry Matcha from Starbucks. But I told her, babes, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore, how about Burger Fuel?