It may have been a dream. I can’t remember now. All that matters was my vision quest to find a bathroom. I’d been slamming flat whites into my bladder all morning. The caffeine shook my bowels like a city on a fault line. Was there going to be an earthquake in my pants?

Do you remember when we met at Auckland Airport? You said that you can always rely on Good Joe. I trusted you, Joe. You were hanging out at Best Ugly Bagels. I was wearing a cowboy hat and I gave you my name and all the pennies in my pocket. Joe, why did you want to drown me in milk? Did you think that would disguise the bitter taste of your bean juice?

I’ve accomplished something monumental by finishing my first Grande Green Tea Latte. I had to work through slurps and sips and scoops of cream. I pushed as the sugar smashed against my brain. I squashed the internal rebellion of doubt that arose from my teenage anti-consumerist politics. I’m in my 30’s now and it’s a revelation to find joy in something that once made my stomach twist.

Me and my girlfriend had been driving the backroads since early in the AM and we hadn’t packed any snacks. No sandwiches. No chips. No nothing. Just pure hunger driving us across the country. We finally stopped in Te Awamutu. My girlfriend wanted a Strawberry Matcha from Starbucks. But I told her, babes, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore, how about Burger Fuel?

I wanted to watch the sunrise with a coffee in my hand. I was galloping towards the first place that was open. My Starbucks girlfriend was still sleeping. This was a solo expedition and honestly, I was looking forward to a straight up long black. The sky clouded over and the rain started. It is what it is, no golden beams for me this morning.