It may have been a dream. I can’t remember now. All that matters was my vision quest to find a bathroom. I’d been slamming flat whites into my bladder all morning. The caffeine shook my bowels like a city on a fault line. Was there going to be an earthquake in my pants?

Do you remember when we met at Auckland Airport? You said that you can always rely on Good Joe. I trusted you, Joe. You were hanging out at Best Ugly Bagels. I was wearing a cowboy hat and I gave you my name and all the pennies in my pocket. Joe, why did you want to drown me in milk? Did you think that would disguise the bitter taste of your bean juice?

I was already weary as I rounded the roundabout in my best Mitsubishi Diamante. My intention was to park like a perfect oblong between the white lines of your asphalt. But my rubber wheels had a different idea. I don’t think you noticed but I noticed you. Tall, magnificent, yellow: Pak’NSave. I took great care as I crossed the car park. I was not so easily shipwrecked by the KFC on the corner. Nor by the hamburger horizon of McDonalds. Tonight, my thoughts were on you, Pak’nSave. Tonight, I was in charge of cooking.

I’ve accomplished something monumental by finishing my first Grande Green Tea Latte. I had to work through slurps and sips and scoops of cream. I pushed as the sugar smashed against my brain. I squashed the internal rebellion of doubt that arose from my teenage anti-consumerist politics. I’m in my 30’s now and it’s a revelation to find joy in something that once made my stomach twist.

I’m not a spiritual man, not anymore, not after I popped a rib while practicing a backbend at the behest of a certified teacher. I’ve even stopped going to temple night at the local. The last time I went to a yoga class, I held my tongue while all the Lulu Lemons said namaste. Yet, I cannot help but feel an abundance of light above me.

Me and my girlfriend had been driving the backroads since early in the AM and we hadn’t packed any snacks. No sandwiches. No chips. No nothing. Just pure hunger driving us across the country. We finally stopped in Te Awamutu. My girlfriend wanted a Strawberry Matcha from Starbucks. But I told her, babes, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore, how about Burger Fuel?

I had only been cruising the supermarket aisles for about half an hour on a Wednesday, when wham! I looked out the window and saw someone messing with my ride. I left my trolly lingering by the chillers and ran. There was a parking ticket on my windscreen. I picked it up and felt that unique blend of bile, annoyance and anger. I was dreading the damage.

I wanted to watch the sunrise with a coffee in my hand. I was galloping towards the first place that was open. My Starbucks girlfriend was still sleeping. This was a solo expedition and honestly, I was looking forward to a straight up long black. The sky clouded over and the rain started. It is what it is, no golden beams for me this morning.

I was walking through the backstreets of Raglan with my Starbucks girlfriend. It was late and the moon was almost full but there was enough silvery light to not get scared of the dark. We had been hotfooting it along the water, trying to keep ahead of the rain.